Starvation concerns aside, there are benefits to being sans Rusty. I’ve been forced to focus on the perks of solitude to avoid racing through the Manor grocery store like a lunatic screaming, “Where the frig are the eggs in this godforsaken place?” Merciful Jaysus. And while I’m on the topic, what kind of fancy pants grocery store sells 7 kinds of wasabi paste yet does not sell a single bag of chocolate chips. I’m telling you I don’t know how he does it.
As I was lumbering back to the apartment today, laden down with grocery bags, I reflected on the time I’d spent Sunday trying everything under the sun to deal with my suddenly absent internet connection required for my laptop, our stash of movies, and my sanity. Again, this is Neil’s domain. I finally gave in and had to do a walk through with him on the phone.
So, short of hopping on the next plane to Canada, I’m going to have to accentuate the positive as the old song goes.
- No high falutin’ coffee machine that sounds like a fighter jet landing in the kitchen and then nearly knocks me out with the nauseating stench of espresso.
- No snoring, well, none that I give a crap about.
- No mention of money, taxes, stocks, and no math of any kind.
- No ‘man smells’, I’ll say no more.
- I can read in bed without huddling under the covers with a miniature light.
- I can get up for the two a.m. tinkle run and not have to painstakingly try to exit my side of the bed without making a sound. The man can sleep through a nuclear blast but bolts up like a shot, shouting, “What’s going on?” at the slightest rustle of covers.
- I believe I’ve mentioned the laundry benefit.
- Whatever happens, whatever disaster may befall me, I know with 100% certainty that for 14 days there will be no Lord of the Rings/football/funny home video shows in the vicinity of my eyes and that might possibly make up for the grocery shopping.
- Shaving. As in I’m not doing any.
- Sure, there’s no one to cook for me, but I also don’t have to sit across from Sammy the Seagull who is picking food off my plate before I’ve even smelled it.
I admit it’s a sad list. You can tell I’m reaching here, but there’s not much point in dwelling on the downside. We must accept both the good and not so good in this life—it helps build character. And a stellar opportunity for personal growth has presented itself: I just found out from my significant other that he’ll be away one day longer than I thought.
11. No one can see me throwing darts at a picture of a beautiful red-headed man.