I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, it’s absolutely sickening how many gifts some people have, isn’t it? Like Ms. Paltrow with her acting and her singing and her cooking and her whole “best dressed woman in the world” thing. Steve Martin is also in this category. I read his latest book An Object of Beauty recently and I loved it. He’s a tornado of talent and a major art collector to boot. If I find out he speaks French I may have to hunt him down and slap him.

Then I read that Eric Clapton dabbles in art as well. Dabbles, as in he just sold a painting from his collection for $33 million. Apparently Slow Hand also has a keen eye.

If I were to collect anything in the world, it would be art. I’ve always wanted to study art history and work in an upscale gallery. I would wear black from head to toe, blood red lipstick and a fox stole, perfect a Russian accent and wax poetic about the genius of my latest exhibition “Penis Unleashed” to fools with more money than brains. Maybe next lifetime.

Anyway, it’s clear that if one wants to be someone in the creative world, one must collect. And Switzerland is very famous for museums and all things artsy-fartsy. So without further delay I’m starting a collection, one befitting my particular talents and varied accomplishments. I know a good piece when I see one …

Just go ahead and tell me that’s not art, I dare ya. I call it Giant Arse Waiting to Happen. Maybe this collection isn’t the wisest of investments, but if it’s worth is evaluated using the joy scale, I’d say it’s priceless.