There’s no denying it. I’m intensely homesick. Yeah, yeah France is magnifique, blah, blah, le blah, but still. I miss the sea and my people and I’m counting the sleeps (28) until I touch down in the homeland. Of course after 18 solid months of French bureaucrazy, it’s easy to romanticize the land I left behind. That place where I can competently communicate, where I know what the hell I’m eating at all times. But I imagine that after 36 hours of mini-malls and high-rises, I’ll be longing for stone walls, scrolly iron balconies and decent wine for 3 euros a bottle.
At any rate, the phrase that’s floating around my melon today is this: be careful what you wish for. I was successfully tracked down recently. I received an email from a lawyer representing a former patient of mine and how did she find me? I’m plastered all over the internet, that’s how. Anyway, it turns out that I’m being called as the key witness in a trial to take place in Canada towards the end of the year.
Ah yes, the career that never goes away. I’ll have to carefully review an enormous medical file, prepare myself for the grilling of a lifetime and drag myself back across the ocean, usually a 20 hour journey. Plus, I’ll probably have to get dressed. Let the record reflect that I object.
No doctor ever wants to hear from any lawyer unless it’s to advise of an unexpected inheritance. But the bottom line is my patient needs my help. And it doesn’t matter how long ago or how far away it all was. She needs me and I’ll be there with bells on, or at least without sweatpants on.
It’s been a long time since I’ve been a psychiatric expert, so I hope I’ve still got it. I’ve been watching back to back episodes of Frasier so that ought to help. Next I’ll download a bunch of Perry Mason and by the end of that there’ll be no stopping me. I just hope the lawyers for the other side don’t ask me what I’ve been doing for the past two years. And we’re sunk if they’ve read that book.
Some shark in a $1000 dollar suit will wave the book in my face and haughtily exclaim, “So Dr. French, are we to understand that you spend your time writing about the perils of living without sour cream? And you call yourself an expert! This woman is making a mockery of these proceedings!” Disgusted, she’ll triumphantly toss my beloved blook in my lap as if it were an issue of Manure and Droppings Monthly.
I’ll leap out of the witness chair, full of righteous indignation (I’ve practiced this) and turn to the judge, “Your Majesty, permission to treat the lawyer as hostile! I bloody well am an expert. Farmer’s Thick and Tangy Restaurant Style is the very best sour cream ever made. I rest my case. Now do you want me to sign that book or not?”
I’m sure this blook will PROVE that you have understood a lot of things about this earthly life! Let them all buy a copy!
I’m also quite homesick these days. I’m tired of people asking about my book, What? It’s not in Italian! When is the translation coming out? Argh.
hi bobbi, a wonderfully funny read this morning to stir up that comedian in me…lol! If you had been practicing psychiatry (spelled wrong)these past months instead of being in france do you think it would be a different experience testifying for this former patient? i think you’ll do suburb and these detours that take us away from our present stuff sometimes proove to be just what the doctor ordered!! hope to get to halifax in may!!!
My Dad (a retired psychologist) managed to get himself dismissed from jury duty because of his previous association with one of the expert witnesses.
When he mentioned that he’d worked with the man several years ago, the defense attorney smiled and said, “And what’s your opinion of Dr. Whosit?”
Dad said, “I think he’s a misguided, self-important idiot.”
The DA went into a coughing fit and Dad was dismissed.
I am so homesick as well! But I am warm! YOUR blog always makes me smile! thank you so much for writing, you are Amazing! :)
oh and that is another scene in the movie Non?
Shark???
I object.
Not you Duchess, you’re a really smart goldfish!!
I confess. I introduced myself to the court as “Lynn Majesty” for my first jury trial. Instead of Lynn Moore for Her Majesty, I was Lynn Majesty for the Crown. Luckily there were only about 400 potential jurors to witness my smooth slick talkin lawyer-like intro. After that, I was able to relax and get down to work what with the making a fool of myself part done and out of the way.
I love this. I shall now refer to myself as Bobbi Majesty at all times.
I suggest you get the judge laughing. It can only help.
Look at it this way, it’s not another trip to Canada, it’s another chance to have Farmer’s sour cream :)
Ah yes. Attorneys. Everyone hates em all…except their own. I have had the sinking feeling of that letter on the desk more than once. Being an expert is better that being grilled by the plaintiff’s experts and attorney, however.
As much as I love to travel, I get homesick within a week. I can’t imagine being away for 18 months!
You are a wonder woman, for sure. Don’t forget it.
Oh Bobbi…I love reading your blog and can’t wait to pop by and pick up your blook. You’ll be great on the stand. And I bet that all of your french words come flowing into your head at the appropriate time and you won’t be able to utter a word of English!!
Wow, interesting reason they have to get you to go home. I’ll be really looking forward to how you adjust to it after being away for so long though. :)