T.S. Eliot once wrote “April is the cruelest month” but I’m here to tell you the bastard lied. It’s not April with its buds and blooms and breezes. No, it’s February, cruel and punishing and oppressive and this year (just for kicks) one whole day longer than it needs to be. Why am I so down on this poor month? Because it’s cold enough to skin ya here.
In case you haven’t heard, what with Madonna winning the Superbowl and all the other pressing North American news, Europe is locked in some sort of climate catastrophe so sagely foretold by Al Gore and David Suzuki. Apparently ice-age is the new global warming. The other morning it was -20 degrees Celsius here. I know all the Canadians are rolling their eyes but you all have houses stuffed full of pink fiberglass and vinyl windows made to withstand arctic blizzards. The houses here were constructed in the Middle Ages when people had a life expectancy of about 45 minutes. I’m guessing hypothermia was second only to bubonic plague as the leading cause of death.
I shouldn’t joke because hundreds of people have died in Europe over the last week due to the cold but it makes no sense to dwell on the tragic so back to me. So far we’ve been lucky; no snow, the housette’s heating system works well and the blue bubble car heats up quickly, for those of us who are allowed to use it. Neil is still banned from driving (more to come on the neverending driver’s licence saga) and has to brave the frigid temperatures for his bakery run. What that man will do for dough never ceases to amaze me.
Anyway, it turns out that the reason it’s so cold is some giant high pressure system up in Siberia, the same pressure front that gave us the heat wave during the summer; the gift that keeps on giving. I can guarantee you when I signed on to move to France I did not once think about my life being so influenced by the vast Russian plains. And quite frankly I’m resentful, the nerve of that crowd! The only thing that would melt my frosty attitude towards them would be an enormous bottle of premium vodka, it’s the least they could do for me. They could just leave it gift wrapped on my front step, it’s colder than my freezer.
I can’t believe it’s colder here than it is in Canada. What can I do? Rien. The forecast shows no let-up any time soon. It’s only the 8th of February, 21 vicious days to go. I’ll have to wait it out and hope that the Russians come through sooner rather than later. How are you staying warm?
Blimmin freezin over here too. With some Xmas money i bought myself some ridiculous furry slippers – my feet look like pink poodles but they are toasty warm.
Liebes Bobbie,
Teilen Sie bitte den Wodka.
Von, Ihr gefrorener Sucher in Deutschland
(Dear Bobbie,
Please share the vodka.
From, your frozen finder in Germany)
Many, many pairs of socks and blankets straight out of the dryer.
It’s crazy warm here. Yesterday it was in the 50′s and while I certainly take advantage by raising my face to the sun and basking for a brief moment as I wait for the bus to round the corner, the lack of cold truly terrifies me.
I’m right there with MSB. This weather sends warm rays of sun and deep chills of fear into my very soul.
But in past years, when it has been more seasonal, in my northern part of the Northern Hemisphere, I keep warm with a) ire, b) whiskey, and c) bad television, and during working hours, d) blankets and e) judicious trips to the well-heated library.
I should not really comment as I am here in California. I sadly can say that it was overcast yesterday and drizzled a touch. I can barely stand when it goes below 60. I bring out my mittens, scarf, turn on the heat and well, complain… I have become unable to bare the cold. So I will shut up now.. Stay warm with my Uggs and Eat big bowls of hot soup!
The low here this morning is 49F. And I’m here to tell you, the Californians are Freezing! They’re trudging down the sidewalk past my front door, all bundled up in their Northface coats, wool scarves, caps and mittens. If I find myself at the grocery store, I know all I’ll hear in the checkout line is how flippin’ COLD it is! Brrrrr….
Having lived in Minnesota for over a decade, this still cracks me up.
Keep warm, Bobbi. Please tell me the housette has a fireplace.
It does! But the bad news is it’s not a working one :((
You are so funny! I laughed out loud at the Madonna comment!! I let Lily watch the half time show and that’s all we follow of Foot ball! I am so sorry to hear about the weather, very shocking actually…
stay warm!
Get some knitted underwear child. I’m sure that’s what your grandmother did. Or maybe she keep warm,while hand washing ALL the bedding, kids clothes,husbands dirty drawers, yuck. What odds child, just turn up the heat and cuddle up with a drink of your choice, raisin square and a good book.
“What odds child” Have you been talking to my mother?
Oh Madonna. Those were the slowest cartwheels in history. More like water wheels than cartwheels, as a matter of fact.
BOBBI, We are “Wintering” well in St. John’s this year. No snow to speak of, then came the month of Feb. and it seems we get dumped on every other day. Not soo cold that you cannot bundle up and go for a nice walk outside. So sorry that ‘The Sister Fans’(there are five of us sisters) will be out of the province for your book signing, however we will continue to promote the New Ex-Pat runaway best seller. How do you like dem apples???
I enjoyed this post, made me LOL when I didn’t want to at all today. Thanks for sharing.
-20 here too. My car needs a midnight drive if she’s to start in the morning, I’ve been coughing for weeks, still skiing on ice, driving, shivering. So nasty. I just dream of warm Corsican sand.
Vodka does help.
Hope it’s got warmer for you now, hun.
It had been absolutely freezing here in Mexico – I don’t think the Mexicans had a clue how to handle it – which is apparently very unusual for this time of year. It’s now started to warm up so I hope the same goes for you guys.