OMSJ. That’s text-talk for Oh My Sweet Jaysus, for those occasions when OMG just isn’t quite enough. For the past two weeks, two effin’ weeks, I’ve been here on my own. Neil has been in Canada again, bastard. My christ, if the nuns who educated me could hear the mouth on me now. God love him, off working like a dog to keep me afloat. So probably bastard isn’t quite the word I’m looking for.

For the first few days it was fine, less laundry, fewer dishes, no need for personal hygiene, no snoring, well, none that I’m aware of. A veritable paradise right? I had time to become swiftly addicted to Downton Abbey (I now answer only to Lady Bobbi). As any husband worthy of my love and admiration would, he left me in good shape foodwise. Like a faithful housewife from the 50’s he filled the freezer with individually packaged meals. Soups and stews were lovingly prepared, even the wine rack was stocked with my favourites.

I was particularly looking forward to a ziploc bag jammed full with butternut squash and ginger soup, one of his specialties. I know you’re thinking how hard can it be to make supper from a bag but it’s actually harder than you think. Especially when you open the fridge to see that thick, bright yellow liquid has managed to find its way out of the bag and on to everything in sight. And after that things just went downhill.

I had to take out the garbage and the recycling all by myself. I had to open wine bottles and several jars without the aid of man hands. I had to go to the grocery store to buy chips and you know how that turned out. I had to laugh at my own jokes. By now I’m strung out, a shell of a woman wandering aimlessly about the town wringing my hands and routinely descending into the vapours like a tightly corseted Victorian novel ‘tearoine’ (heroine who weeps and sighs a lot, wears a black veil and clutches lace hankies).

Okay not really but two weeks without my sidekick has been too long. While I’m getting used to being on my own here and I’ve made great strides since first being abandoned, I am quite ready to welcome His Lordship. And so I must prepare for his imminent arrival on his birthday of all days. There are special treats to be bought, pillows to be fluffed, legs to be mowed. I might even prepare a sumptuous five course meal. There I go again, I crack me up.

I mean I like me but two weeks alone with me is enough to do anyone in. I say let him deal with Her Ladyship for a while. I don’t know how he does it but all I can say is TBTJ, Thanks Be To Jaysus. Brace yourself Rusty, never mind all those Canadian wheelings and dealings, your work has just begun.

ps For reasons that should be obvious I’m taking Monday off. I can’t eat home cookin’ and type at the same time so meet you here on Wednesday…