Anyone who knows my mother-in-love (MIL) would agree that she’s a pretty cool customer. She’s warm and funny, supportive and wise and one of the most positive people I’ve ever met. She’s also a total babe and plays the double base in a jazz group but that’s beside the point. She’s been a psychologist, a music teacher, a museum docent and apparently now dabbles in some light trafficking.
Today I arrived home to find this in my mailbox:
Check out the size of that bottle! But wait there’s more.
Boxes and boxes of Shopper’s Drug Mart brand rapid release acetaminophen expertly hidden by newspaper (my MIL says it throws the dogs off). Aren’t they beautiful? I swear to you if you’d told me a year ago I’d be this happy about a shoebox that didn’t have any shoes in it I would’ve written you a prescription.
After I tore open the package, made a tuna sandwich with globs of Miracle Whip and took two capsules just because I could, I noticed a white envelope taped to the brown paper wrapping. I opened it expecting a packing slip but instead I found a note, not from my MIL but from another mother altogether. Apparently when Neil’s mom went to the post office the woman serving her saw my name on the parcel and asked if I was the psychiatrist who used to work in Halifax. They got to talking and sure enough I had treated her daughter a few years back.
Imagine the kindness of that woman taking time out of her busy day to write me a note. I remember her and her daughter well. She didn’t mention her child and that usually means one of two things. I choose to believe that her daughter is all grown up, happy and healthy and singing her heart out, something she used to do regularly during her sessions with me.
Anyway, this mother wished me well and hoped that I was enjoying France “because you deserve the best.” Okay, I’ll buy that and between my MIL, the son she produced and the Miracle Whip I’d say things are right on track.
I smiled as I thought about my patient’s mother taping that letter to the package and I wondered if she asked if she could. I imagine it’s illegal to tamper with anyone’s mail but then again she probably took one look at my well coiffed and beautifully dressed mother-in-law and said to herself, “I know a dealer when I see one. That letter’s going on.”
I recommend that you carefully re-examine the contents. Sometimes the customs let “suspicious” materials through as “controlled delivery” where they swap the originals to fake ones. In other words, as we speak, you could be popping and squeezing placebo of some kind. However, it is important to keep in mind that in such operation that is not all. This could’ve triggered (and most likely did) a chain of events as follows:
(i) Operation “Miracle whip” was being launched as a joint operation between the relevant French and Canadian officials;
(ii) After hearing of this operation, the DEA and Department of Homeland Security joined it as well;
(iii) You, your mother and the post office clerk (a/k/a “The Trio”) were all placed under 24/7 surveillance;
(iv) “The Trio” was immediately put on the infamous “no flight list”;
(v) Some never before seen unmarked planes (filled with people wearing shades even in the rain) landed this morning to Aéroport Paris-Charles de Gaulle;
(vi) Three separate cells were prepared in Guantanamo Bay;
(vii) An author was leaked this information, who started writing a book of this operation ready to be published for Christmas.
(viii) Matt Damon was told of an interesting script for the next Jason Bourne movie.
In any event, please inform your mother not to be surprised if she sees some people going through her rubbish. :)
Laughing my derrière off!!
Brilliant ! wow
That tuna sandwich, was it Canadian tuna by any chance?
Bah non!! My tuna is from the Seychelles of course. Now I don’t know where that is exactly but I bet it’s right fancy.
1130nm due east of Tanga, Tanzania – serves as a listening post for the CIA / US Intelligence gathering services
ATTENTION CRIMINELS; C’EST LA POLICE. NOUS FAISONS ENTOURER VOTRE MAISON. DROP ZE SANDWICH AND ZE MIRACLE WHIP – ETES-VOUS UNE DOMINATRICE?- ET COME OUT SLOWLY WIZ YOUR ‘ANDS UP. ET BRING ZE SANDWICH…NOUS AVONS FAIM. continue…
I give up.
Bobbie – great story! Did you enjoy the M Whip as much as you thought you would?
Jan, that was too funny :)
Oh, this is so heartwarming!
I do hope that young patient is now happy and healthy. I do. I do.
And now, all you need is a good bagel sent your way. Email me your address. Can’t guarantee the freshness, but I’ll do my best…
Oh I’d LOVE a bagel
Care packages, no matter what’s inside, mean so much. This one has LOVE written all over it.
And pain relief!
Actually brilliant. All mothers in Newfoundland rock!